Goblin Larder

I’ve decided that I want a big, fat-marbled fantasy ham – the sort that hangs from the ceiling looking rustic. God, that would be the greatest thing ever. It would go something like this: 
“Would I like some ham, now? Yes, I think I would. Oh hey, look over there! A big wad of ham from which I may cleave many meaty wodges!”

I never buy meat, see. It’s too expensive, and I don’t know how to cook it. Mostly this doesn’t bother me, as I grew up eating 15 oz of steak every evening, cooked rare enough to kill anyone who hasn’t been carefully conditioned to withstand all varieties of probable bacteria. The bloom is off the rose. But not today. Today I want HAM. And perhaps an entire goblin larder to go with it.


Filed under Hchom

13 responses to “Goblin Larder

  1. Victor

    Goblins know how to eat!

  2. Granville Island butcher! Ham is already cooked! Oh wait, I bet Windsor Meats at 25th and Main would have one even cheaper.

    • Marian

      I’m so ahead of you! Every day is a struggle not to walk to Granville Island and spend half my income on meats. MEEEAAATS.

      I really want a flour mill, too. I’ve already determined that the best ones are, like, $350+. I know it would become the next pasta maker, but this stupid grant makes me feel empowered to throw fat wads of money at everything I want.

      • http://www.everythingkitchens.com/fgm.html

        I’ve heard really good things about the manual Family Grain Mill. It’s only 140, includes free shipping and you can even flake grains (i.e. oatmeal).

        What the hell? Why am I trying to sell you on getting one??

        Vicarious living.

        • Marian

          Ok, what I’m telling myself now is that I have to wait for my absurd Irish flour to arrive, and if I manage to get through all of it and still want more, then I’m allowed to consider this Grain Mill.

          Oh, but dude! It would be so rad, being able to cut my own oats! I could be, like, the local Miller! I could make brown paper bags with hand-drawn labels!

  3. Sister

    I have been drying my extra parsley because it grows like a weed on my deck. I think we should recreate this scene and then consume EVERYTHING.


    • Marian

      This weekend? Plus, um, plus maybe you will help me cut the back of my hair again, even though it really stressed you out last time? I bet the razor with the wide guard on would work best.

      • Sister

        I have been cutting Zev’s hair for the last year. I am now cutting his younger brothers hair. I think I will not crumble into a puddle. Last time was just terrifying because Brandon had already messed up and I was trying to fix it but it was already toO SHORT AND OH MY GOD IT WAS SO STRESSFUL.

        Totally fine to do it.

  4. That is a scarily appetizing drawing of a hunk of meat. Truth is, I think it’s your rendering of it that makes it look delicious, not even the meat itself.

  5. While I do not really enjoy ham, I would def eat this ham.

  6. I built a goblin oven a few years ago. Perfect for making goblin bread:


    I see that there’s a similar oven at City Farmer in Vancouver:


    The City Farmer folks appear to be from a distant subculture, but you might want to befriend them anyway, for the sheer joy of goblin baking.

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